September 24, 2009

Uncertainty

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Those of you close to me know why I have not posted and the rest of you are about to find out why this is...

My last entry may have given you a clue that we were starting a rough time of uncertainty. And indeed it has been. On August 3rd, it was a Monday and the first day of the month, I went into work ready to start off the new month when my grand-boss asked me to come see her. I still remember every detail of that morning as I was told my position with the company had been cut. I had been laid-off and was a new number to the unemployment percentage.

I was told it had nothing to do with my performance...but it was still hard to not think of myself as a failure. And that feeling still lingers around me to this day fading in and out...and mainly because I want to be able to provide for my wife and my very soon to be daughter.
I started right away updating my resume and starting to try to network. Right off the bat I had meetings with recruiters and in 2 days I already had an interview lined up. Things were looking good. Until they called me to tell me that they went with someone else. Then came another interview but it only had the same result. Then a 3rd interview, a really good 3rd interview, that followed up by them requesting a 2nd interview with me.
In the mean time Amy was still planning on going to Texas to visit family and attend the baby showers that our parents had already planned. I was planning on waiting to hear about this job and probably not going to go to Texas with her. Until I got the phone call that, again, they went with someone else.

Because of all of this I was so angry at God for not preparing me for this and for letting this happen to me. I sounded like a Pharisee of the NT going over my list of things that I have done evidencing that I did not deserve this. It wasn't long until my anger and hurt turned to brokenness and I had nothing left to give. But now I had the opportunity to go to Texas with Amy and focus on our baby. Our baby daughter has been completely overshadowed by this situation. We had not been able to be joyful and enjoy our time of preparation at all. So I made a vow to make this road trip to Texas a good one and focus on the positives and our Isabella.

Our time in Texas was exactly what I needed. It was a time to re-focus, a time to spend with family, and a time to get to know the Lord on a level I had not reached up to that point. I was able to come back home with a new mindset and refreshed ready to hit the ground running. It was only a matter of 3 days and I had two interviews lined up, one which went really well and I felt really good about. By the end of that week I had found out that they had not selected me for either of those jobs. It was very discouraging and I was headed back to the emotional state I was in before we left for Texas.

While we were in Texas we listened to the sermon on the mount from the book of Matthew and it had really encouraged me. So I had to remind myself that the birds and the flowers are taken care and that God would take care of us too. I then soon started to realize that God had been blessing us in ways I was not seeing. We started counting our blessings and realizing that we were not worthy. For the last few weeks I have been seeing the smallness that I am compared to who God is. Sure, I have had to be broken and humbled, but if through all of this I am being made into a better Christian, a better husband, a better friend, a better son, and a better father...then it has all been worth it.

Is this time of uncertainty over and the reason I write now? No.
I needed to write all of this out to share what we have experienced. We have experienced so much in these past 2 months that it has felt like a life time. As I mentioned that in my anger I was like a pharisee going over my list of things that I have done for God...now I look back and think of how much pride was in my heart. Pride that I did not know was there until I heard, read, and meditated on scripture that my righteous acts are but but filthy rags onto God. They mean nothing, because there's nothing that we can do to earn anything from God. So it has been a very humbling time for me, all the while, scripture and God's promises are all that we have to hold on too. I've seen now that certain scriptures means so much more when it's all you have to hold on to when nothing else is certain in this world. My faith has been tested in ways I never thought it would be.

On Monday two weeks ago I woke up with nothing lined up, no job leads, no interviews, and only some hope to hang on too. I got up and read some scripture and meditated upon it and as I was getting ready to pray I was reminded of God saying in scripture to ask for what you need in prayer and it will be given, knock and the door will be opened. So I fervently prayed for something to happen that morning...whether it be a phone call for an interview or some job lead. Little did I know that Amy was praying this exact thing on her commute into work that morning. At 12:30 that afternoon I received a phone call from an agency to come in and fill out some background check papers and asked me to get there ASAP. I was there within an hour and by 2PM I was asked if I wanted to go work a temp job tomorrow, that Tuesday! It was incredible how we prayed for something that morning and God delivered in a way that we still cannot fathom. It is not my ideal job and it doesn't pay near as much as what we need long term...but it was an answer to prayer and gave us some more hope to hold on to...and this what we needed and prayed for.

God has given us so much already and even though we know He will take care of us and our baby girl...this time of uncertainty is still very scary for the both of us. Through all this we have seen in so many ways how we are loved by God, our family, and our friends. What I have learned from God, myself, and my wife in this period is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I will never forget this season in my life.

(I'll try to keep everyone updated on everything a little better from here on out)

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